A Nonbinary Youth’s Lived Experience

An Introduction to Autism

Autism is a fairly common developmental disability that occurs in people of all ages. Even I have it! A well known coping mechanism among people with autism is masking. Masking, to put it simply, is an effective way of hiding your neurodivergent symptoms when among others. Let’s consider stimming, for example. Stimming is a way to let out energy, and using masking to suppress that urge is, well, tiresome to say the least. For me, I stim through shaking my hands or pressing my fist into my face. This helps me shake off all the built up energy. Shaking your hands is one of the most common ones, but there are many other ways to do it. 

So, what’s the big issue with masking? Masking your symptoms can be very dangerous, and not just physically. Masking has, in a myriad of ways, negatively impacted my life. I started to mask once I got into kindergarten. I knew I had to once I started to receive negative responses from peers after stimming or expressing my special interests. As I grew older, I was surrounded by the negative stereotypes of an autistic person because of social media. The “r slur” was being used like the class sharpener.  Everyone would use it. Here are some of the many issues I’ve struggled with from masking my symptoms at work, school, and home. 

Why Do We Mask?

I often mask to protect myself from the outside world. Whether it be masking my stimming or masking my trouble with maintaining eye contact, it helps protect me from being attacked just for being different. 

Bullying, self-image, and avoiding negative attention are just some of the reasons why I, and many others, choose to mask.

Depression

Yup, something that seems so commonplace can be extremely life-altering. Depression can be caused by many different factors in someone’s life. My depression started up in June of 2020. I felt like nobody loved me. Because of my recent diagnosis of autism, I was still coming to terms with the fact that I was different. It hurt a lot. So, I resorted to hiding it, even at home. That’s what caused my depression. It is a mental illness that negatively impacts you both physically and mentally. Depression, one of the most known illnesses in the world, worsens your mood and may lead to suicidal thoughts or actions. 

What about masking causes depression? Masking your symptoms can be very draining. Constantly aiming to fit into the crowd causes you to think of yourself differently compared to others, leading to poor self-esteem and questioning self-worth. I went through this myself. So to put it simply, yes, autism may lead to symptoms or a diagnosis of depression.

Anxiety

I’ve struggled with anxiety since my early youth. I didn’t find out I had autism until I was thirteen, so I was always masking to fit in. This resulted in anxiety around the idea of people noticing how hard I was trying to fit in. 

What if they knew I was hiding my real self?

They probably aren’t interested in my hyper fixation.

Why do I talk so much?

Why am I different compared to the others?

Masking can cause severe anxiety because of the constant need to hide your true self.

Self Esteem

Once I found out I was autistic, my self-esteem dropped majorly. I no longer felt as though I was normal like everyone else. Self-esteem is the way you think about yourself. Do most people see me negatively? Am I good enough in their eyes? Thoughts like these can sprout from a mental illness. Low self-esteem can easily be caused by masking. Even when someone who is masking has a good reputation, they may feel like their real personality is not as adequate as the one they portray whilst masking, and this can easily lead to self-esteem issues. 

On the contrary, if a person who is masking is known to have some weird or quirky behaviours, they could feel as if they are not doing a good enough job at masking, or they have been “found out”.

Low Energy

It’s clear that masking is tiresome. I would hide my stims all day and try my best to hold eye contact, but it was torturous. I would be exhausted by maintaining the mask I felt I needed to wear. At the end of the day, I was basically left with no energy to do anything at all. Pretending to be someone else and suppressing my own feelings or needs is draining, and can make it difficult for me and others who mask to go to social events without needing to leave partway through the event.

Forming New Insecurities

I hate to say it, but for some people (like me), autism is their biggest insecurity. It’s why we mask, after all. When masking, you start to realize what you’re hiding. Your lack of social skills. Those so-called “weird” movements you make when you get excited or overwhelmed. But in truth, they are really nothing to be ashamed of. When we do notice these small things, they become one of our many insecurities. For example, as a child, many other kids would not understand my behaviours and point out stimming. I wish they wouldn’t have stared. Wouldn’t have commented or laughed. Wouldn’t have whispered in the other children’s ears. This can cause insecurity of stimming to arise and lead to more masking behaviours.

How do We Avoid the Consequences of Masking?

How have I avoided the consequences of masking? I’ve learned that I can still mask, but that there is no reason to be ashamed of my autism. But it’s not just about changing the way I think of my autism. Communicating with neurotypical people and letting them know how they can best support me has been helpful. And in turn, if you’re a neurotypical person, communicating with your autistic friends can really make them feel happier and included.

Moving Forward

Do you have autism or does someone you know have it? Seek out resources and learn all you can - also, checking in can be a great step towards social connection. It’s a good idea to be sure to check up on them from time to time.

Based on what you learned today, you now understand that masking can be very unsafe. Masking can negatively impact the lives of people with an autism disorder. Supporting your autistic friends, or yourself if you have autism, is an important first step you can make to better the lives of people with autism. I would appreciate it if my friends expressed their support through questions, research, and adapting. Some ways they have already helped is through keeping me away from unsafe situations (loud noises, bright lights, etc). Learning how to navigate masking has helped me embrace myself and appreciate how unique I am.

About the Author

Elliot Rose Barker is a Canadian writer based in Ontario. They have been writing professionally since April of 2021. With diagnosed autism and ADHD, Elliot is bringing awareness to these disabilities and providing others with the knowledge they need to thrive, regardless of their disability. 
Check out their website https://pickwicklit.ca/ or their Instagram @elliotrosebarker.

Explore Possible

This blog post is part of Explore Possible, an initiative by Manitoba Possible to amplify stories, perspectives about disability, accessibility, and inclusion.

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